Some Thoughts on Changing Unconscious Behavior
Author: Ken Homer Issue: 2023-09-20
Some Thoughts on Changing Unconscious Behavior
by Ken Homer
The vast majority of human behavior is unconscious. Unconscious behavior is intelligent behavior. Consider how, once you learn to drive a standard shift car, clutching and shifting become unconscious. The actions your mind and body need to perform move from the foreground of awareness and concentration to the background of automatic, unconscious behavior. Staying with the same analogy, if you’ve driven a standard shift car for several years, you’ll notice how your left foot keeps attempting to clutch until your body learns it no longer needs to do so. Once unconscious behavior becomes embodied it’s demonically difficult to change. But it can be changed if you know how to work with it.
I’d like to offer a five-step approach for changing unconscious behavior that I use in my coaching work.
1. A distinction that creates awareness – your coach provides a distinction that allows you to notice an unconscious (background or automatic) behavior so that you can become aware of how it is operating in your life.
2. Self-observing – the distinction allows you to bring something that was previously in the background and out of your awareness into to the foreground where you can observe its effects.
3. Anchoring – as you begin to observe yourself, you start to learn the many ways the behavior is anchored in your body. Behavior unfolds within and across your thinking, your speaking, your listening, your movements, your emotions, even your posture and breathing. It’s critical to become intimate with the various ways the unconscious behavior shows up in these domains before attempting to make a change. Certain phrases, tone of voice, gestures, postures, etc., can become mindfulness bells* to alert you to when you are acting on autopilot.
4. New practices - once your self-observing has allowed you to notice how a previously unconscious behavior is working in your life, you need a new practice to replace it.
5. Support, feedback, and corrective actions – as you institute new practices, you need people around you who can support you in making the change. Ask trusted friends, colleagues, or family members to provide you with feedback as to how you are progressing. That will help you to course correct if you are not getting the results you desire. Caveat: This requires that you be open to hearing news you may not wish to hear.
*A mindfulness bell is a call to notice something. When the staff at Plum Village realized that they needed to install phones to handle to volume of visitors wishing to sit retreats, Thich Nhat Hanh agreed on the condition that whenever the phone rang, all those in earshot would pause, take a breath, smile, and then continue with what they were doing.
Let’s see how this plays out in the real world. The following is drawn from my coaching practice:
Leadership at the coaching school where I obtained my Professional Certification contacted me and asked me to coach a student who they assessed as unable to pass the course.
When I first met Dave (not his real name) I was immediately struck by a behavior of his that was bothersome. Whenever I was attempting to explain a concept, he would jump in and cut me off before I finished the explanation. His interruptions took the form of: “Oh, so it’s like this…”
[Distinction/awareness] I noticed that there was a physical (somatic) pattern where he’d lean forward with a note of urgency in his voice that wasn’t present in other aspects of our conversations. I asked him if he was aware of this, and he admitted he was not. The next time he used the phrase I asked him to repeat it and to intensify it as he did so. I had him do this several times and I noticed that his expression changed, and I wasn’t sure what was happening, so I asked:
“What’s going on?”
“I just got really sad, and I thought of my father.”
“What do you think caused that?”
“He was very harsh and demanding with me and he often called me stupid. I always tried hard to show him how smart I was.”
[Anchoring] “Do you think your habit of interrupting and trying to show someone that you understand what they are saying before they finish their explanation might be tied your relationship to your father?”
Dave teared up, “I’m sure of it.” (We took a minute to allow him to process the difficult emotions that were present before continuing).
[Self-observing] “Okay, that’s really great awareness! Here’s my suggestion for working with this. You now know that the phrase “So it’s like this,” means a particularly strong state has been activated in you. For the next two weeks simply observe how often you say it and what happens in your body when you say it. No need to change anything, just observe. Are you willing to do that?”
“Yes, of course.”
When I met with Dave two weeks later, he was bubbling with excitement.
“Oh man! This was quite revealing! I had no idea how often I cut people off and try to show that I know what they are going to say before they finish. And I find I do it with my wife more than anyone.”
“Terrific! Do you want to know what’s next?”
“Please!”
[New practice] “The next time that you find yourself about to say, ‘So it’s like this,’ I want you to take a deep breath and say, ‘Tell me more about that,’ and then listen without interrupting until the speaker is finished. Will you do that for the next two weeks and we’ll check in then?"
"I can do that."
When next we met, Dave was even more excited than at our last meeting.
“How’d it go?” I inquired.
“Fantastic! I learned so much. My relationships with my three clients went to a whole new level. They told me things they never shared before. They even commented to me how much they appreciated being listened to without being interrupted. And with the new information I got, I started to have better ideas on how to work with them. I think this has really upped my ability to be a more effective coach!”
“Congratulations! That’s wonderful news. How has this impacted your relationship with your wife?”
“Equally amazing! We are having more thoughtful and constructive conversations about our relationship, and she’s asked me to look at some of my behavior and I can see that I need to make some changes. She has commented that the shift in my listening has allowed her to feel closer to me. I never realized how my interruptions impacted her and made her pull away from me. I really have to thank you for this, while simple, it has had profound effects on me.”
“My pleasure. You have made great strides here. Do you want to know what’s next?”
“Absolutely!”
“Ask your wife for feedback in the moment. Agree on a signal she can give you whenever you interrupt her. Since she is your primary relationship, she’s the best person to give you feedback as to how you are doing and to alert you when your old habit shows up. Old habits are hard to break and it’s possible they’ll sneak up on you and overtake you without being aware that it’s happening. So, ask your wife to give you straight feedback and to alert you if she experiences you reverting to your old ways. Do you think that’s something you can do?”
“That’s a great idea. Yes, I’ll do that. Thanks!”
“You’re very welcome.”
I worked with Dave for three months and I am happy to say that he passed his certification with flying colors and is doing great coaching work to this day. I hope this model for behavioral change will prove useful to you.
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