1968My First Whiff of Bullshit
Author: Ken Homer Issue: 2024-04-17
1968–My First Whiff of Bullshit
by Ken Homer
Miss Ford was a large woman. She was nearly 6’ tall with close-cropped steel-gray hair, broad shoulders, and heavy legs. She wore orthopedic shoes, ankle-length skirts, and starched shirts buttoned up to her neck. She was probably in her mid-50s in 1968. She was my fifth-grade teacher.
At the time I had little awareness of sexual orientations. As I look back now, based on some of the things she did and said, I think it’s possible that Miss Ford was a lesbian. She exhibited a certain disdain for boys.
She once told us a tale that, if shared by a teacher in a school today, would get her a severe reprimand or ousted from her job.
As a nurse during WWII, she spent several years working in a convalescent hospital. There was once a young soldier in her care who had been terribly wounded in battle.
At first, he was rather helpless and required round the clock care. I think he’d lost the use of his arms but I’m not sure since Miss Ford was very sketchy on the details as to what kind of wounds he’d sustained.
Eventually the young man began to regain the use of his limbs and that caused the problem her story would illustrate for us.
One night, when she went to change his bandages, she caught him masturbating.
Of course she didn’t use that word. She told us that he was “touching himself–‘down there’–which is something none of you should ever do because it will have terrible consequences for you.”
A ripple of unease swept through the classroom, and I thought I saw a slight smirk play across Miss Ford’s face. She continued with her story. When she returned to work the next day, she went to check on this poor fellow. And when she pulled back the bedclothes, she discovered that his legs were no longer attached to his body–they had completely fallen off!
(None of the eleven-year-old kids in the class had the presence of mind to ask if he had bled out or if the separation was bloodless––self-cauterizing perhaps?)
Yep, she actually told that story to a classroom full of impressionable young kids in a public elementary school.
In my naïveté, I was extremely disturbed when I heard this story. I went home and told my father. He laughed and told me not to worry. That it was just a story that some silly woman was making up to scare us. (If ever there was an opening to initiate the sex talk that fathers are supposed to have with their sons this was it, but he didn’t take advantage of the moment–not that day nor at any other time)
Miss Ford’s tale has lodged itself so firmly in my mind is because it marked a turning point for me. Up until then I tended to trust what people in positions of authority reported to me as being unquestionably true. After discovering that she was fabricating total bullshit however I began to apply more skepticism and discernment, to ask for evidence and proof to back up wild claims. This was the beginning of my developing a bullshit detector. It turns out I that need this skill more than ever today. I suppose that’s true for us all now.
Ken Homer • April 2024
Related: